Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps

Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps: How We are Different and What to Do About It by Allan & Barbara Pease examines, exuberates and explains some of the key differences between men and women. It is one of the more recent books in a long string published by this amazing couple. The book answers questions like; What do women really want? How do men think about relationships? And what about biology and love? Taking communication as their perspective, the authors have quite successfully dissected gender difference. Not the most urgent read, but definitely one to savour for the next vacation.

The first chapter is about sex in the brain, who would not want to read about that. One of the subtopics covers the topic; I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. The biological explanation is a low serotonin level and high oxytocin level. The funny thing is that this image, of these hormones found in teens who are in love, is similar to people who are considered crazy. More of the chapter states that people have a lot more dopamine than normally, are more creative and full of energy, and need less sleep or food. They even state that being in love can be compared to being high, the same areas are activated as when you were to take cocaine.

But of course, you are wondering where men and women are different. In the brains on love of the different sexes, different areas are activated. Women have more activation in the areas for memory, emotion, attention and mental images. Men have more activation in the areas for visual processing. Reasons for these differences can be found in many areas. Through evolution, males have had to look for women that have good genes, so they looked for young and healthy. Women, on the other hand, have looked for men showing the capability to protect her and their children. This basic process is still present in our genes, even in our modern society.

The rest of the book takes the reader on a tour of what men and women want. It explores the one-night stand, affairs, and finding the right partner. Two of the latest chapters are about mysteries both sexes have about each other. One of these explains the ‘nothing’ box men have (I can confirm the existence) and why some of the smartest women are bad in the love-game.

By using both serious research and a no-nonsense approach to gender differences Allan & Barbara Pease have done a great job in capturing the reader. One cautionary note should, however, be made. And that is that the differences within both sexes are almost always bigger than between them. This means that on average men are more visually oriented, but that plenty of them are driven mostly by emotion and that there are plenty of women that are visually oriented. Nevertheless, it is an excellent book to read.

More on Why Men Want Sex & Women Need Love:

http://www.peaseinternational.com/ – Official site for Allan & Barbara Pease

http://www.scribd.com/doc/119050506/Why-Men-Want-Sex-And-Woman-Need-Love-English-pdf – Why Men Want Sex & Women Need Love (.pdf)

http://nguyenthanhmy.com/courses/2013/WhyMen.pdf – Why Men Do Not Listen and Women Cannot Read Maps (.pdf)

http://e-edu.nbu.bg/pluginfile.php/331752/mod_resource/content/0/Allan_and_Barbara_Pease_-_Body_Language_The_Definitive_Book.pdf – Body Language (.pdf)

David and Goliath

David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits and the Art of Battling Giants by Malcolm Gladwell exposes strengths as weaknesses and weaknesses as strengths. In his ever enjoyable writing style, Gladwell takes the reader on a journey through Ireland, New York City, Maryland, and of course Palestine. Using distinctive case studies to guide each chapter the book never ceases to amuse and amaze!

Let us get started right away with the title, the story of David and Goliath. It has been told as an inspirational story for the underdog to achieve victory and take down the giant. David was much smaller than Goliath. He had no armour, Goliath, on the other hand, was covered almost from tip to toe. And David had only a few rocks in a pouch as opposed to Goliath who not only had a sword but also had a spear at hand. You are now probably asking: How in the world did David win? It is because his perceived weaknesses were actually strengths.

Gladwell states that in ancient times there were three ‘classes’ in the armies of those times. They balanced like rock-paper-scissors. And as you may have guessed, David was to Goliath as paper is to rock. Had had no armour and was therefore more agile. He had no sword but could throw his rocks with the precision of a very experienced archer. And this is what decided the battle. Even before Goliath could really identify David, he was struck to the head with the bag of stones. And when he fell to the ground, David used his own sword against him to end the battle and claim victory.

The key message is that seemingly advantageous characteristics can in some (or many) cases be a disadvantage. It is only when the underdog is aware that the normal tactics will not work, he can flip the battle to his advantage by adopting another strategy. Some more recent examples of this have been found when armies outnumbered and outgunned by 10 to 1 have won wars by adapting to the situation and fighting in unconventional ways. In congruence with the third part of the book, it can be stated that there are limits to power.

Next, to the story of David and Goliath, there are many more. Some are concerned with the battles between larger groups of people, whilst some are concerned with the individual. The second part of the book is dedicated to the desirable difficulty, the paradox of the power that overcoming of difficulties can bring with it. The book is as superb as any other book by Malcolm Gladwell. It highlights information that has been around for long, but not yet studied to the extent it has been now. For it will take the average reader only one or two afternoons to finish this book, it should be the next on your list!

More on David and Goliath:

http://test.floriswolswijk.com/psychology-the-tipping-point-book-review/ – Review of The Tipping Point

http://test.floriswolswijk.com/psychology-dog-saw-book-review/ – Review of What the Dog Saw

http://gladwell.com/ – Gladwell’s site

http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20131007120010-69244073-what-makes-malcolm-gladwell-fascinating – More on Gladwell

Uncertainty

Uncertainty: Turning Fear and Doubt into Fuel for Brilliance by Jonathan Fields takes uncertainty by its throat and furiously knocks it down. This is no self-help book about overcoming your fear (of spiders). This is a research-driven exploration of the underlying mechanics of uncertainty. And, ok, maybe also a bit of a self-help book, but then one that is next on your list!

F.E.A.R.: False expectations appearing real, the best definition of fear I have heard in my lifetime. Uncertainty and fear of judgement go hand in hand. Jonathan Fields defines judgement as a three layer cake: 1) Judgement from those whose approval you seek (e.g. peers, mentors), 2) Judgement from people from whom you seek money for your creations, and 3) Judgement from yourself. People are always asking themselves two questions: 1) Is this good enough? and 2) Am I good enough?

Two of the many experiments described paint a clear picture of how crippling fear is. The one is an experiment in which people were asked to pick a ball from either a box with a certain (50/50) division of balls, and an uncertain box with a random division between both. The manipulation was the presence of an audience, and people were more likely to choose for the latter when there was no audience present. A natural experiment is that of artists from whom their work was being commissioned (asked to paint with a specific goal). Judges were asked to rate the creativity of two paintings by each artist, one that was commissioned and one that they made for no particular reason/goal. And you have probably already guessed it right that the latter was judged to be far more creative.

The book introduces the concept of uncertainty but then ventures much further. Fields debunks the myth that there are fearless creators, people who are not afraid of anything. He instead proposes that everyone has his or her fear and doubts, but that some have learned to effectively deal with them. One of the first techniques is to find your certainty anchors, to explore and evaluate your lifestyle ritual and alternate between bursts of work and recovery. Later chapters explore building your hive (find the spot where you are challenged just enough), socializing creation (create with others), and training your brain.

Overcoming uncertainty boils down to learning to live, even to embrace, your uncertainty. Field has three questions that you must ask to take control of your life again: 1) What if I fail, then recover? 2) What if I do nothing?, and 3) What if I succeed? Already by posing (and answering) these fundamental questions, you will mitigate a large amount of uncertainty. Real-life examples combined with research and tips make this book one of a kind. From big-time CEO to student, everyone has something to learn from Uncertainty.

More on Uncertainty:

http://www.theuncertaintybook.com/ – The Website of Uncertainty

http://www.accidentalcreative.com/creating/uncertainty-an-interview-with-jonathan-fields/ – Interview with Fields

http://lateralaction.com/articles/uncertainty-jonathan-fields/ – Interview with Fields

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

“You will be required to do wrong no matter where you go. It is the basic condition of life, to be required to violate your own identity. At some time, every creature which lives must do so. It is the ultimate shadow, the defeat of creation; this is the curse at work, the curse that feeds on all life. Everywhere in the universe.”  – Philip K. Dick

Lessons learnt: When androids become humanlike (in the EQ department), things start to become creepy real fast. People value ‘real’ things over ‘fakes’. Do not blindly trust your memories.

It is the year 1992, World War Terminus has passed and the world is covered in levels of radiation. Most people have moved to colonies, incentivized by receiving a free ‘andy’ (android) by the UN. Yet still people remain on earth, some because they do not have the mental capacity to come along (only smart people were allowed to go), others because their job requires them to stay on earth. The latter case is true for Rick Deckard and his wife Iran. Rick is a bounty hunter with the San Francisco police department and he is about to face quite the challenge. This is how Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep (DADOES) by Philip K. Dick starts.

Over the course of the book, Rick will headhunt 6 andies that have escaped from the colony and who are posing as humans on earth. The story is not too long and can be read within a few hours (just like Animal Farm), more interesting is how the andies are depicted in the novel. They look just like humans, eat food and even dream (but probably not about electric sheep). The only thing that is different is that they have no feelings such as that we humans have. Rick uses a so-called Voight-Kampff Test, something that detects how fast and in what magnitude the test subject responds to different situations (it is comparable to a lie detector). Where in DADOES people are immediately shocked by an example of people eating animals (they are almost extinct and are kept as very expensive pets /status symbols), the andies have a delay in their response. What I find interesting is that tests like this would be very hard to do. Not every person responds in the same way, psychopaths or people with less affect might not even show readings when presented with very grotesque imagery. At the same time, humanoid androids can be programmed to show very sudden or delayed responses, making it impossible to detect who is who (without cutting someone open of course). It leaves a man thinking.

Another interesting aspect of DADES is the mood organ. It is introduced in the very beginning and can be explained as a device that lets you choose your emotion, its duration and intensity. Here is an excerpt:
“Dial 888,” Rick said as the set warmed. “The desire to watch TV, no matter what’s on it.”
“I don’t feel like dialling anything at all now,” Iran said.
“Then dial 3,” he said.
“I can’t dial a setting that stimulates my cerebral cortex into wanting to dial! …
What if we could control our emotions? What would people choose, would we all set it to eternal bliss, or would we then forget to eat and sleep? And what if we could endure the most horrible jobs with a smile, just because you put the settings on happy in the morning. And what about including emotional states such as depression, would you need to know what is a ‘good’ mood again, or can you be happy without knowing what sad is like. With the ying-yang symbol (and philosophy) in mind, my intuitive answer would be no. We are of course not currently that advanced in technology that we can really do this, but I guess that we are darn close.

“I like her; I could watch her the rest of my life. She has breasts that smile.” (Rick about a female andy) – Philip K. Dick

Maybe DADOES was written as just any sci-fi story, maybe it was written to get people to think about the subjects discussed before. There may not be a definitive answer here, but it sure did the latter for me. DADOES was written in 1968, but now still reads as if it could happen within a few years. It is not a book that you need to have read, it is a book that is great for the summer and to discuss with friends. If you are more fond of movies, there is the adaption called ‘Bladerunner’ which you can watch.

More on DADOES

http://www.gradesaver.com/do-androids-dream-of-electric-sheep/study-guide/ – DADOES study guide

http://www.larevuedesressources.org/IMG/pdf/dadoes.pdf – Pdf of DADOES

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Do_Androids_Dream_of_Electric_Sheep%3F – Wiki on DADOES

The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership

“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” – John C. Maxwell

Lessons learnt: Effective leadership is influence. Leaders grow every day. Leaders chart the course. Leaders develop leaders. Trust is the foundation of leadership. Leaders decide with the available data. You attract people who are like you, people do what they see. Leaders should create wins… continually. Leadership value is measured by succession.

Remember John C. Maxwell from his 5 levels of leadership? Not only is he a great speaker, he has also written 10 books on leadership (and many more on relationships, attitude and equipping). With this many years of experience, one might think that he has learned all there is to learn about leadership. Maxwell disagrees with you there, he states that he is just a student, ever continuing his learnings and at the same time spreading the lessons he has already learnt. In the updated and revised version of The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership by John Maxwell, you are given an insight into more than 50 years of experience and research, some great leadership stories and lessons you would not dare to forget.

A review would not do justice to contemplate al 21 laws here, therefore I have chosen to introduce the two that I found most important: The Law of Progress – leadership develops daily, not in a day & The Law of Addition – leaders add value by serving others.

1. If you spend €5,- on a latte macchiato every day for 20 years, you will have a great (?) cup of coffee each day. If you save €5,- for the same amount of time, you will have about €55.000,-. This short analogy illustrates that building on yesterday can give you a great advantage, being a leader is not about events (the coffee), it is about the power of process. Sometimes we see great leaders and think that they are formed right there on the spot, or that they had one life-changing event. Maxwell states “Champions do not become champions in the ring – they are merely recognized there”.
2. What if Einstein kept all his discoveries to himself? What if the first Googlers kept their search engine for themselves? What if people only advanced themselves and not others? I reckon the world would be of a lot worse. Leadership is not about how far you can advance yourself, but how far you can advance others. Where you are only one person, there are many people around you who can learn from you (and others) and start spreading the lessons themselves. One example that comes to mind is of Elon Musk and Tesla. Not only has he developed a great company, recently he gave away all patents and now electric batteries are exploding (figuratively). Of course, Tesla also grows because others start using their technology, but others win too – it is what Stephen R. Covey would describe as synergy.

“Leadership is not about titles, positions or flowcharts. It is about one life influencing another.” – John C. Maxwell

In 21 laws, or principles, Maxwell explains lessons that may seem obvious to some people, and quite radical to others. On many occasions, he uses his own life lessons (read: mistakes, and wins) to illustrate how a leadership law has worked out. It will be very difficult to excel at all laws and therefore you will need a strong leadership team within your company. The Law of Explosive Growth explains this principle: to add growth, lead followers – to multiply, lead leaders. One thing I observed whilst reading the book is that a leader has to first know himself before applying most lessons. Many of them involve exposing yourself, making connections and empowering other people. But if you are ready for it, The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership is a great resource to read and apply in your life.

More on 21 Laws?

http://perspective.org.au/book/202/executive-summary-the-21-irrefutable-laws-of-leadership—-john-maxwell – Executive Summary of 21 Laws

http://www.u-leadership.com/the_21_irrefutable_laws_of_leadership-w.pdf – Summary of 21 Laws

http://www.leaderconnections.com/resources/21IrrefutableLawsof%20Leadership.pdf – Another Summary of 21 Laws

The Power of Self-Confidence

Another classic by Brian Tracy. This time about being self-confident. What I like about this book is that he starts with the foundations: values and goals. Self-confidence comes from within and is not a product of your surroundings.

One of the great stories in the book is about a man that receives a cheque for half a million from John D. Rockefeller. His business was struggling but now he decides to give his whole and becomes profitable within the year. Of course, he never cashed the cheque, and if he did he would have found out that it was someone from the mental hospital pretending to be John D. Rockefeller.

The last chapter of the book deals with self-confidence and how your actions can help you build it. Only through practice, you can become better at something, the same goes for self-confidence. Feeling a little light in the self-confidence area or just want some inspiration to listen to (or read), be my guest.

Think and Grow Rich

Start with a burning desire, make a decision to follow it, and be persistent. That is what Napoleon Hill advises in Think and Grow Rich. How much his advice is grounded in psychology (or how much not), I don’t know for sure. He argues that you should engage in ‘auto-suggestion’ and probe yourself into thinking about your goal (desire) all the time.

On the one hand, I dearly believe that it’s good to have goals and to know what you want. On the other hand, I question the efficacy of pounding an idea in your head – what if it’s not a good idea. And as with the previous book, how much of this ‘auto-suggestion’ will, you actually engage in.

Napoleon Hill states that most of his ideas came from Andrew Carnegie (of railroad/steel fame and riches). This makes me feel more confident about the lessons in the book in one way. At the same time, however, we never get a mention of Napoleon Hill in Carnegie’s autobiography. So I leave it to you to decide if you wish to read it.

The Power of Self-Discipline

Brian Tracy is the master of self-help. With about 100 books to his name, a large training corporation and some other ventures, he has built quite the empire. In The Power of Self-Discipline, he embarks on teaching valuable lessons about motivation, the power of routine and time-management.

Yes, many of the lessons are quite straightforward, but so are the management principles by Peter Drucker. What sets Brian Tracy apart from other experts is his many years of experience and focus on (audio)books. He isn’t trying to sell you training but wishes to give you complete information in one go.

This in no way means that it’s perfect. As with many other self-help books you are expected to take the lessons about time-management and learn how to apply them yourself. Still, the lessons are inspirational and very interesting. If you have some time left on you commute or want to get some extra motivation whilst working out, give it a try!

Essentialism

“Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow.” – Doug Firebaugh

Lessons learnt: Clarity and focus allow us to do more with less. Invest your time. Do the right thing, at the right time, for the right reason.

Essentialism is the disciplined pursuit for the vital activities that make our life worth it. This is my definition and it differs just a bit from that of Greg McKeown. Stating that essentialism is the pursuit of less is a bit too harsh and misses some of the crucial nuances. In the end, your time on earth will be the same, essentialist or not, so focusing on the right things is one of the most important things we can do. In Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, McKeown gives his perspective on how to do this.

The book is divided into four parts: 1) essence, 2) explore, 3) eliminate, and 4) execute. The first explains the mindset of an essentialist. One of the main ideas is that almost everything is noise. One way for you to assess this is to ask yourself the following question: Will this matter in 10 years? To many activities you can say no, and subsequently consider cutting them from your life. In the second and third part, the book explores how to find the right activities (e.g. by being really selective) and how to cut out the non-essential (e.g. by editing your own life).

What might be the most interesting part are the chapters on execution (especially for those who are already doing the right activities). Here McKeown explains 6 techniques on how to make doing the vital few things almost effortless. Here are 3 of them:

1. Subtract – cut or overcome obstacles that prevent progress
2. Progress – start small and celebrate small wins
3. Flow – use routines to make the essential the default position (see also The Power of Habit)

“No is a complete sentence.” – Anne Lamott

In the end, Essentialism is a book about managing your life, your time and your progress. It is strong on concept and in structure. It lacks a bit in substance (there is a lot of BIG text). And maybe some ideas might have been explained in a smaller format (i.e. blog). Nonetheless it a great start in your journey into essentialism.

More on Essentialism

http://gregmckeown.com/essentialism-the-disciplined-pursuit-of-less/ – Official page of Greg McKeown

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18077875-essentialism – Goodreads reviews of Essentialism

http://changethis.com/manifesto/117.04.Essentialism/pdf/117.04.Essentialism.pdf – Article by Greg McKeown about Essentialism

What The Dog Saw

What the Dog Saw: and other adventures by Malcolm Gladwell is a brilliant compilation of 19 intriguing essays. They are categorized into three parts; 1) Obsessives, Pioneers, and other varieties of Minor Genius, 2) Theories, Predictions, and Diagnoses, and 3) Personality, Character, and Intelligence. Only by judging the book/collection by its cover and index you get a glimpse at how Gladwell has his way with words. Combine that with strong research skills and a ‘different’ look at society than most, and you have the next book on your list.

Who is most likely to succeed, how do we hire when we cannot tell who is right for the job? This is the question one of the last essays tries to answer. As with any of the others, the article starts with an example. The story follows Shonka, a recruiter from college football in America. He is evaluating last-year students and has to pick new people for the professional team he is working for. But what qualities are you looking for, and what predicts if someone will perform well when transitioning from one to the other job/level/school? The problem in the current case is that football is played in a wholly different way in the NFL than in college and a recruit who performs well in college does not equate to playing well there too. The same kind of problem can be found for many more fields and it is imperative to find the right predictors to meet your criteria.

Other articles take on different topics. One is about the question why there is only one big brand/type of ketchup and many kinds and brands of mustard (ketchup as a really uniform/total taste). Another takes us back to the origin of ‘Blondes have more fun’ and gives the reader insight into how marketing has influenced us in our everyday life. And of course,  What the Dog Saw is also about dogs. Cesar Millan is an expert in the fields of training dogs and the article concerning him is just about that. The lesson that can be drawn is that you should take another person’s perspective, be able to figure out what motivates or drives him or her.

Malcolm Gladwell has worked for The New York Times and has currently written four books. Just as these books, his essays go beyond the obvious. He dives deeper into materials to find out what is the real cause and goes beyond superficial solutions. If you want to know how genius people develop, or if smart people are overrated and what the difference between choking and panicking is? Then put What the Dog Saw next on your list!